corporate / government (Part 1)

 "A liberal's paradise would be a place where everybody has guaranteed employment, free comprehensive health care, free education, free food, free housing, free clothing, free utilities, and only law enforcement has guns. And believe it or not, such a place does indeed already exist: It's called Prison." -- Sheriff Joe Arpaio, Maricopa County, Arizona

A reactionary’s paradise would be a place where everybody pays inflated prices, everything is for sale to the highest bidder, corporations are free to cheat employees, free to deplete natural resources, free to collude, free to pollute, free from taxation, free from liability; where everybody is indoctrinated, monitored, credit-rated, news and opinion are censored, and only law enforcement has military-grade tactical equipment for use against civilians. Believe it or not, such a place does indeed already exist: it is called the United States of America.

Reverend Doktor C. Sarian

Mid Coast Sub Church of Paranoia

Church of the SubGenius

122921

There has been a lot of news recently about the U.S. Government and telecommunications businesses conspiring to violate citizens' rights under the Fourth Amendment to the US Constitution. There is no urban area that is not under surveillance, as more police departments launch miniature unmanned remote controlled aircraft mounted with GPS and video camera to monitor "safely" people's activities not visible from the ground. One advocate of the technology insisted people should realize it is not the government spying on them, but other people. It may be "safe" for the operator of the equipment, remotely situated in a vehicle control station, but it creates an unsafe society in which suspicions fall on anyone. 

Consider the Third Amendment for a moment. It prohibits quartering troops in the homes of citizens. The British government in the eighteenth century made a practice of quartering troops in the homes of prominent patriots to monitor their conversations. Fancy technology can only go so far, and the police state still needs people on the ground, amongst the populace. Every corporate store carries a sticker on the door warning customers that a disguised police officer may be posing as employee or customer. Southwest Harbor allocated funding for an undercover officer who will be operating in that town. The dude who just hitched into town andwants to know where to score, Hmn, don't know.. He SEEMS cool.. Has longish hair and scraggly beard. He parties hearty, always helps out, gets involved in the scene, wants to know everyone. He turns into a real friend, to one and all! Months or even years may pass, then he'll drop out of sight, and after a wave of arrests, will be seen again in a courtroom, shaved and suited, testifying against everyone. It turns out he works for the FBI.

In the seventies an FBI agent was identified in the Boston Food Co-op. He called himself Mule Mahoney. At first he seemed like the perfect co-op member. He showed up, pitched in, talked it up - he was eager. A little too eager. He always wanted the co-op to overreach its mission, overextend itself. There was something not quite right about him. He was adept at the rhetoric of revolution, but he was ignorant of the details of co-operative life, organic methodology and progressive dialectic. He did not seem to share beliefs co-opers hold as self-evident. He didn't get it, making bold suggestions but not wanting to discuss them. The Boston Food Co-op suffered a rash of theft, vandalism and tenancy issues after the rumor about his identity spread and he vanished. Was he involved? 

A similar circumstance characterized the SLACK Factory in Belfast during the late nineties. A group of artists and activists grabbed a building in town on the cheap just before the real estate bubble. For seven years they struggled to operate as a business to the business world and as a co-op to the alternative community. There was never any extra money but plenty people helped, coolie method, to satisfy the town's newly invigorated code enforcement. Almost from the start there were police complaints, though no arrests were ever made nor charges filed, and official police records show SLACKers to have been co-operative with Belfast authorities. Vehicles were vandalized, arson was committed, thefts occurred, but again no arrests were made, no crimes investigated. As the need to refinance arose, it became apparent there was a leak on the board as every step taken to avert foreclosure was preempted. Rednecks took the property, lawyers and aristocrats took the money, and the freaks took a hike. Today it is a parking lot. The local press, in an exceedingly rare mention of the SLACK Factory reporting the public sale of the property described the inevitable destruction of the facility briefly as a "failed partnership". 

Was that all it would take? Could it really be that radicals, progressives, artists and activists are so incapable of regulating their affairs that they cannot operate a business successfully, or create a community together? Maybe adherence to low impact, non profit, co-operative ideals is unsuited for institutional survival in the dog eat dog world of corporate domination, and that egalitarian, democratic, horizontal structuring is equally unsuited for community survival in the eye for an eye realm of sectarian fascism. Maybe that's what the CONspiracy WANTS people to believe. Maybe movement tragedies like Rainbow Farm or the SLACK Factory, potent examples of the futility of progressive organizing, need prodding toward the precipice over which they finally plummet. It could still be true the many, many accounts of infiltration by enemies of civil rights, women's liberation, anti war, environmental protection, natural healing, co-operative economy into the movement are fictions. But even if they are ALL fictions, they still infuse the movement with divisiveness.

Every movement needs new supporters. How will they be vetted? Outlaw groups like Hell's Angels have a strict system of sponsorship, punishable by death if an enemy is introduced as a friend. That might limit membership, but it protects true believers. Progressives may consider themselves outlaws, but they are unwilling to put others to death, even enemies. Movement people generally are reluctant to even consider the possibility that freaky volunteers could be enemies, and there is little or no vetting. Not only does that mean the movement's numbers swell with membership who do not share ideals and methods, but also that agents of the military industrial complex are welcomed into inner circles from whence they can report to superiors and subvert from within to destabilize the movement, like the "pod people" in the 9/11 truth movement.

Warning! Police officers may be posing as organizers or members! They could be co-ordinators, directors, ombudspers, editors, collaters, staffers or volunteers. They might appear to be cool, natural, organic, hip, down dudes and dudettes. Nevertheless they are working to discredit the movement, dismantle progressive structuring, and destroy opposition to corporate fascism. Green Scare is appropriate as a redux of the Red Scare of the fifties and sixties - some Green Party stalwarts are really re-dyed Reds, and many others endorse communistic crowd control contrary to liberation ideology. "Greens" at the SLACK Factory relied on their party status to avoid helping out with projects or even cleaning up the coffee cups after their meetings there. They don't intend to eliminate power structures, but to usurp them. They are not comrades. 

The movement needs to reexamine its tenets and techniques continually to remain progressive. The movement also needs continually to reexamine its members, and their true motives to remain viable. It is all too easy to be swayed by loudmouths who demand to get something done, lulled by lazy freaks who suggest falling back on establishment procedure, seduced by obsequious groupies who don't get it, excited by agents provocateurs plotting entrapment. It is an open secret the Pentagon and other alphabet soup agencies operate a vast psy-ops campaign at home and abroad that not only publishes fake and misleading news stories, and commits false flag atrocities as misdirection for political purposes, but also inserts agents into structuring opposed to the global police state.

The dilemma is this: If someone is a nutty fruitloop on a wierd trip, but essentially a fellow traveller, it is divisive, indeed suicidal to instigate a witch hunt based on fears and projections. On the other hand if the unkempt but intense newcomer is actually a mole, a traitor, a wolf in sheep's clothing he must be outed, or at least "turned". Without a technique for security clearance like the government or corporations, the movement relies on feelings. Often there is a feeling that someone is on a hidden agenda, not with the program, at odds with the group's intent. Generous, accepting, loving people deliberately repress those feelings of suspicion towards individuals, putting themselves at risk of betrayal. Even if they are not criminals and cannot be charged, they are nevertheless vulnerable to official harassment, loss of reputation and destabilization of hard-won alternative structuring.

How can you tell? To start with, anyone who wants to be in charge is not a revolutionary. Beware of pushy aggros who insist on delegation of authority, who demand curtailing consensus by putting proposals to the vote, who recommend seeking authorization for alternative projects, who aver propaganda is outreach, who rely on heirarchy rather than widespread support. Enemy agents are ignorant, deep down, of the spiritual connection of consciousness with the cosmos. They are assouls. That is, they have no souls. They cannot be reasoned with, swayed or threatened because they have the entire weight of the CONspiracy behind them. Their determined intention is to suborn all who seek to build a world of peace and justice. They won't stop until freedom is dead. 

Is there someone in your group who always gets confrontational, who employs pugnacious language, bulldozes objections, mocks dissenters? Does he always seem to be talking about or to police? Is she seen getting arrested but is conspicuously absent in detention? Does chaos ensue when his suggestions are put into effect? Does she stress earnings and legitimacy over service and integrity? Does he have to be reminded that democratic principles must be practiced as well as espoused? Does she propose risky clandestine actions rather than public non-violence? You may have a rodent problem!

Reverend Doktor C. Sarian

Mid Coast Sub Church of Paranoia

Church of the SubGenius

042816

America was the first country to declare all men are created equal and are endowed with inalienable rights.

America was first in powered flight. 

80 years ago the United States of America was the first nation to create atomic weapons, and the first, and only, nation to use a nuclear device offensively, kicking off the nuclear age. As hideous a war crime as incinerating hundreds of thousands of non-combatants is, that crime is compounded by ex post facto lies and cover-ups. 

Japanese peace overtures had been rebuffed consistently since 1943. By 1945, though island hold-outs put up determined resistance, the Co-Prosperity Sphere was crumbling as the Empire of Japan’s war-making ability was overwhelmed by the Allied juggernaut. It was known strategic bombing would compel a Japanese surrender without invasion, but blood-lust vampirates were eager to deploy the new weapon, despite informed protests by its hypocritical inventors. Two cities were obliterated in seconds, their structures reduced to rubble, their populations vaporized. 

President Truman, a former salesman of cheap suits, declared the experiment a “success”. 

Successful it may have been to ghouls gone wild, it was indeed an experiment. USparatroops were dropped into the mushroom cloud of the first test in July. Only one lived long enough to testify. Other troops nearby on the ground died almost as fast. Occupation troops in Japan ignored the cries of victims while taking live flesh samples back for study. In a despicable blitz of disinformation, New York Times announced there was no radioactivity after the blasts. One intrepid journalist penetrated the embed cordon and reported true facts about human suffering at ground zero. He had press credentials revoked, was hounded, destroyed.  If the People only knew how terrible was the devastation they might not allow it ever to happen again.

Today most Americans are ignorant of the enormity of the horror involved in use of nuclear weapons, and the history of lies concocted to make their use seem reasonable. As nuclear arsenals swell in a dozen countries, and world powers denounce fragile armslimitation treaties, insouciant citizenry practically guarantee the next time nuclear war is the solution, it will be the final solution. 

Reverend Doktor C. Sarian

Mid Coast Sub Church of Paranoia

Church of the SubGenius

080925

Climate change halted as activists stop buying, start burning EVs.

Waste trimmed, fraud exposed, budget balanced by terrible swift sword of accountability.

Criminal corporations dispossessed , dissolved, agents prosecuted, jailed.

Maine shrugs off oppressive federal funding, protects boys in the girl’s room.

Non-citizen gangsters expelled from U.S. Crime turf restored to American crooks. 

Globalists censor contentious debate threatening democracy, allowing only true facts to be expressed.

Petroleum companies accept responsibility, successfully cleanse Earth of nanoplasticpollution.

Pharmaceutical companies accept responsibility, refund $trillions of illicit profits to victims of pandemic.

Media companies accept responsibility, stop paid product placement, include hazard warnings in all programming.

Manufacturing companies accept responsibility, test all products for safety before marketing.

Outraged populations take responsibility, pillory vampirate bureaucrats, executives, stakeholders, adopt anarcho-syndicalism. Economy rebounds.

2A open season declared on all lawyers, attorneys, barristers, their interns, clerks and investigators. Nuisance suits end overnight. Pro se defense and jury nullification by informed citizenry honored in courts.

Cancer is quelled, life span lengthens as people revert to matrist biodynamism, turn away from toxic drugs, grow natural food and herbs. 

SLACK consciousness sweeps the globe. People everywhere Quit your job and SLACK OFF! Mental illness ends. Elevation of SubGenius to presidency.

Universal revulsion against military globalism. All-rank dark state personnel shed uniforms and flee crowds of empowered, unarmed citizens.

Peace erupts.

April Fool!

040125

Closing down infrastructure for political purposes is nothing new. Banks are closed to arrest bank runs. Streets are closed to kettle protesters for arrest. Digital media are closed to arrest dissident discussion. Heinous as corporate/government assaults on freedom are, indiscriminately applied strictures, though cruel, are fair - to maintain a veneer of democracy on draconian policy. The problem is mass arrest sweeps up innocents along with perpetrators, giving rise to public outrage and organized resistance.  

Even in time of war, targeting an individual for assassination is a violation of law. Somehow mass murder is more democratic than a hit. Better to take out a whole wedding party so collateral casualties excuse assassination as a war op. It is still “surgical” because they got the guy, without laying an entire country to waste, as in 1945 Germany. If family and friends are killed too – tough. He should have thought of that before getting on the terrorist watch list. That may fly in remote resource-rich countries inhabited by darker-skinned peoples, but such heavy-handed tactics applied domestically may be destabilizing. Albeit with notable exceptions - Move in Pennsylvania, Dravidians in Texas – in general, authority figurines are constrained from blitzkrieg tactics against their fellow citizens by various antiquated constitutional protections. Domestic massacres of civilians undermine international respect for American values of civil and human rights. Pursuant legal challenges are expensive and embarrassingly revealing. Crowds of bereaved family members and honest witnesses are a public relations nightmare.

Whereas once it was easier to kill a million people than control them, in the 21st century it is far easier to control a million people than to kill them. That doesn’t mean all at once. Novel tech enables tyrants to single out individuals for special treatment. When PM Turdeau ordered online payment platforms to close accounts of protest supporters, even for so little as a $50 online donation for food and fuel, payment services were eager to comply as they are more fearful of governors’ than customers’ wrath. Throwing the switch against a particular citizen for political differences, without due process, or commission of a crime is an exercise in raw power, not any kind of lawful government of, by and for the people. 

Aside from cash on hand, citizens whose accounts are closed are effectively shut out of daily economic and social activity, ostracized without being banished, free to come and go, but unable to make a licit transaction; free to speak, but unable to connect. Not only is individual de-financialization chilling in that it seizes control over one’s life, but by singling out an individual for punishment mass revulsion is averted. No one cares about the plight of a single victim. You get shut out, you are on your own. There is no organized resistance on behalf of solitary victims silently invalidated as persons: account closed, voice muted, access denied. Haven’t seen or heard from Earnest in a while. Oh! His freedom pass was revoked for being Frank. 

Reverend Doktor C. Sarian

Mid Coast Sub Church of Paranoia

Church of the SubGenius

042822

Good morning! This is Reverend Doktor C. Sarian, voice of the Mid-Coast Sub-Church of Paranoia, with a special paranoid report.

Corporations are people!

Who could deny that? People form corporations, people serve corporations. It’s people! It’s people! Now, that is not the same as saying a corporation is a person, which is the weaponizednarrative made legal by the courts, but rejected by real people. A corporation is not subject to death, it can’t be a real person.

Corporations are people! Even so-called leftists agree. Several apologists for corporations opined on WERU Review that corporations aren’t all bad – some small two- or three-man shops are corporations. Neat! But, why? Incorporating is a murky morass of bureaucratic bull-oney to blunder through. 

Even micro businesses must incorporate BECAUSE it is required by the corporate world. Government, state, banks and often suppliers penalize unincorporated concerns heavily or outlaw them entirely. Businesses too small to incorporate are shut out of the marketplace. For example: alternative groups not structured as non-profit 501(c)3s are shunned by erstwhile comrades now certified by the state as tax-exempt corporations. 

Corporations are people! Are they? A corporation is a fictitious legal entity that self-perpetuates even though its personnel are fired, retire and die. With automation, functions performed by masses of delta-minuses are now more efficiently executed with robots. With artificial intelligence, office staff are being obviated, and it is only a matter of time before even top executive decisions are better made by algorithms than by flesh and bone individuals. Soon, corporations will no longer comprise real people at all, though they will be “persons” by law.Add killer robots to the mix and, well.. YOU do the math.

If the point of incorporating is to associate legally with corporations, and corporations are known to behave illegally, the question is begged What’s so great about a corporation anyway? The answer is Nothing. It’s just a concept lying around.

A thousand years ago, the corporation was a revolutionary challenge to the feudal system in which the monarch owned the people and their labors by divine right. Today the corporation has become the feudal monarch, owning the people and their labors through indebtedness. Depersonalized corporate logos deflect critique of the monarch because after all, corporations are people! Give them an inch, and they think they are rulers.

Don’t be a jerk! The fly struggles against the web, but it is the spider that is the threat!  Corporations per se are not the problem – they are just a tool of the CONspiracy. It’s implanting the corporate mindset of profit over people; cutting off hair, wearing stupiduniforms, following idiotic rules to the letter, and praying to reptilian overlords for incremental advancement along with millions of mirthless myrmidons in a genocidal global game of musical chairs where there are never enough deckchairs on the Titanic when they eventually pull the plug. Why be a corporate slug?

The revolution will not be televised! The revolution will not be televised! 

But it will come when real people stop buying toxic corporate products, stop being corporate wage serfs, stop complying with corporate commands!

Get real! Support community radio!

010517

Presidential advisor war criminal vampire Henry Kissinger is dead at 100. Like fellow ghoul David Rockefeller, his life was extended uselessly by the best medical means money can buy. There is no reason why deeply evil men who served the military industrial complex faithfully for many decades should succumb prematurely to inevitable mortality. Not like Abraham, Martin, and John. And Bobby, Mohandas, Anwar, Malcolm, Huey, Steven, Jim, Jimi, Janis, John, Kurt, Tupac, Aaron, Amy, Amadou, Sean – the list goes on..

113023

President revives from power-drunk coma, rescinds AUMF, recalls all American troops from 800 bases worldwide, reallocates military fund stream to rebuilding critical infrastructure, reimbursing victims of US military adventurism, restoring ravaged lands, reestablishing peaceful diplomatic relations with former adversaries, and prosecuting professional war criminals.

Wall Street bankers, investors, speculators and regulators confirm money supply, interest rates, tradable securities and debt-based derivatives are fraud perpetrated on unwitting working poor, individual depositors, honest citizens, dismantle financial pyramids, release sequestered funds, abandon fractional reserve accounting, revert to debt-free gold currency to provide equal access level playing field economy for all. 

Giant global corporations apologize for monomaniacal pursuit of profit at any cost, fire do-nothing billionaire executives, discontinue stupid, toxic product lines, promote clever, conscientious staffers, fund research into biodynamic agriculture and recyclable energy systems, aggressive removal and decontamination of toxic waste from spill sites, recompense for families and communities injured by operational corner-cutting, public well-being is guaranteed by safety and effectiveness of business self-regulation.

Energy sector develops compact, lightweight, high-potential fuel cell from abundant, easily mined, cleanly processed earth minerals, high-efficiency solid-state transmission systems engineered to deliver low-cost, static-free clean electricity to all stations without collateral health and environmental damage from radio frequency and ionizing radiation.

Mass media renounce obsequious regurgitation of corporate/government agitprop, resume fourth-estate function of objective cynicism toward atrocities of tyranny, and excesses of democracy, expand the newshole to 80%, open pages to verbatim comments and compositions by ordinary citizens to facilitate public discussion not expurgated to please advertisers and retailers.

Pandemic is lifted as stakeholders confess deception, thoroughly double-blind tested novel drugs are healthful, roll back contagion of all communicable illness, lifestyle afflictions are reduced by elimination of environmental pollution and household toxins, congenital infirmities yield to gene therapy treatment, overall wellness is bolstered by adoption of aerobic outdoor activity, high-quality nutrition and stress abatement praxis by the masses.

Drug war ends! Prohibition repealed! Drug agencies disbanded! Prisons emptied! All psychotropic substances are legalized nationwide, psychedelic trips recognized as protected religious practice and valid psycho-therapy, all drug convicts released from custody, records expunged, property returned, reputations repaired, trauma compensated, all narcos prosecuted as drug-war criminals, lined up and shot, with potent hallucinogens. 

Population stabilizes as human birth rates and mortality equalize, allowing social structuring of equality and equity to dominate politics, relieving pressure for real estate development of pristine lands, providing ironclad protection for wildlife in forever wilderness regions, native flora and fauna flourish in natural biomes off-limits to human trespass.

Partisan political divides are mooted as conservatives move beyond segregation and exploitation, progressives advocate diversity of thought as well as skin color, human communities achieve higher-tier consciousness, race, gender, wealth disparities evaporate, them-versus-us polity becomes a broad, vibrant, collective We in the Age of Aquarius.

April Fool!

040123

Draconian austerity mandates stop climate change. Temperatures stabilize globally at a comfortable 72˚F. Weather systems stall, storms evaporate as human activity ceases with bankruptcy, plague and genocide. 

Big pharm indicted, corporate charters revoked for felony marketing fraud. Universities, hospitals, advertisers, retail chains held complicit, corporate officers force-fed their toxic concoctions naked on prime time TV. DOJ orders claw-back of $trillions in illicit profits from shareholders to indemnify injured.

Top health officials with stock holdings in drug companies branded traitors to the entire human race, sold by the pound for genetic experimentation in secret SubGenius clinics at secure, undisclosed locations. 

Pandemic revealed as a prank. Billionaire depopulation philanthropists admit kidding the public that lockdown, masking, distancing are about saving lives. It was really just to see if people would actually do it. And they did! Ha ha!

Federal Reserve System dismantled, member banks dissolved. CEOs lined up and shot - with powerful drugs. Economy rebounds overnight as the burden of corporate usury is removed forever from the backs of the proletariat.

Mutated bacteria found to consume plastic micro-particles, excrete fuel oil.

All drug possession and use decriminalized; harshest penalties applied for crimes committed under the influence.

Deep state goons unmasked, tried for murders of popular leaders that ushered in totalitarianism, sentenced to kill each other until last man standing is rendered for vivisection and examination.

Nuclear facilities, reactors, rad-waste dumps successfully entombed. Emerging technology separates fissionable isotopes from air, sea and soil. Ionizing radiation scrubbed from Earth’s biosphere.

Military industrial complex collapses as disaffected billions occupy army camps, naval bases, air fields, missile silos, command/control centers, arms factories, research laboratories, and test sites world wide, disconnect, disassemble, destroy all structures, installations, weapons, vehicles, uniforms and insignia of all service branches. Peace breaks out. 

April Fool!                                                                                                                                           040124

In the town of Fuck You Jim, it’s looking pretty grim. Workers are pulled back as blue flashes are seen, indicating runaway chain reaction of fissionable materials. Already two workers have been found dead as hundreds of others remain on kamikaze duty at the Daiichi plant: Kazuhiko Kokubo, 24, and Yoshiki Terashima, 21, gave their lives in a desperate attempt to save the world from an even greater catastrophe. TEPCO is offering big cash bonuses, up to 10,000 yen (about $47 US) and valuable prizes including lifetime supply of KI for survivors of any who are willing to martyr themselves on behalf of humanity at the altar of this modern day Mammon. As the plume of lethal radioactivity, universally characterized as “miniscule”, “tiny”, “insignificant”, “no worse than normal”, spreads across the U.S. in a Japanese variation of Moctezuma’s revenge, few Americans are willing to take up that gauntlet for their country, or fellow citizens. In Washington however, the EPA responded swiftly to the disaster by dutifully increasing legal levels of radiation exposure a thousand-fold to reduce the level of GE’s exposure to legal liability.

Meanwhile, the Obomba administration is preoccupied with a preplanned expansion of the Long War into yet another oil rich nation inhabited by towelheads. To be fair, that’s what these assouls do all day - plan wars. So it is no surprize when a conflict flares up they are standing by with flares and all the other sundries necessary to force Pax Americana down the throats of benighted primitives reluctant to obey new world orders. More siginificant however, is these war plans are unfolding right on schedule. U.S. client dictators are given free reign to brutalize their people with U.S. supplied military hardware. Local militias, supported by clandestine operations, become convinced they have a chance against authoritarian regimes. Corporate/government plays one side off on the other to see who winds up occupying the wellheads while hapless civilians, caught in the crossfire, die in droves in their hometowns, now polluted forever by radioactive weaponry.

Hot snow is falling across New England and the debate over global warming cools off. THAT’s insignificant now! Some wag once declared The only fair way to deal with radioactive waste is to spread it around evenly everywhere. Fair’s fair! Those who, like Kazuhiko and Yoshiki, are ill adapted physically for a high radenvironment will be affected, but it’s no worse than dying. Everyone dies! It’s just a matter of days, not decades.

Reverend Doktor C. Sarian

Mid Coast Sub Church of Paranoia

Church of the SubGenius

111823

Worst financial disaster ever. Large Wall street firms collapse. Job market tightens. Millions lose homes. Cities close schools, libraries, parks. Necessities prices rise higher. States face bankruptcy. Borrowed trillions gifted to central banks. No investigations or indictments ensue. The economy is recovering. The Dow Jones is up. Executives received record bonuses. Rabid reactionary deregulationists placed in office. Business as usual.

Worst oil spill ever. Millions of barrels spilled. Millions of animals dead. Millions of people affected by health problems and loss of employment. Millions of gallons of dispersant were dumped to remove the oil. Hundreds of millions of dollars were made by BP during the spill. One year later oil continues to flow into the Gulf of Mexico. The ocean is large. The oil has mostly disappeared. Gulf seafood is safe. US government is buying Gulf seafood for troops. You should plan to spend spring break on the beaches of Alabama!

Worst natural disaster ever. Thousands dead, hundreds of thousands homeless. Infrastructure compleatly decimated, refugees freeze in the dark. Humanitarian relief is organized as funding pours into the coffers of NGOs. UN troops arrive to protect property and provide security. Populist aspirations of local people are subsumed by stragedy. Global corporations rebuild former banana republics in their own image. Cheap exports resume directly.

Worst radiological accident ever. Reactors melting down. Tokyo evacuating. Radiation reaches US. President says no dangerous radiation will even reach Guam. It’s dissipating! And blowing out to sea. Besides, it’s minimal. A Japanese survivor of Hiroshima says This is nothing! Suck it up! They keep telling people the radiation from Fukushima is no worse than a transatlantic flight. But what if they told people a transatlantic flight was no worse than a nuclear meltdown?

Worst massacre ever. Unarmed civilians slaughtered with mechanical precision by brutal mercenaries using sophisticated war machines and weapons of mass destruction. War crimes, crimes against humanity, crimes against the environment. Humanitarian crisis of unprecedented proportions. Fuel prices soar as US backed rebels control supply. G8 nations discuss, disagree, dither, order dinner. US energy supply threatened as counterrevolutionary attacks target installations. Coalition nations quickly step up to bat, deliver fast one-two punch sending evil ex proxy pukes and their subhuman sons and henchmen to a richly deserved fate. Gas price declines 3¢ once democracy is restored in yet another oil rich country.

Longest US war (no one ever says “worst” war - all wars are good wars). Hundreds of thousands of US casualties. Trillions of dollars spent. Insurgency gaining strength. American prestige compromised; enemies galvanized. US abandoning bases. Congresspeople treated with psy-ops to induce funding. No troop pullout in forseeable future. War aims are being achieved, US corporate interests are being protected. War has been broadened to Africa to save lives.

So you see, all you grinchie grannies out there, all you bummy neg-outs, all you wimpy unamerican punks, all you mealy mouthed complainers, all you liberal do gooders, things aren’t so bad after all. But they could get a whole lot worst if you panic. DON’T PANIC! Everything’s going to be all right! Don’t believe urban myths about how bad the situation is - be positive and good things will come your way! Whatever you do, don’t start running around shouting because then things get broken and that really WOULD be a bad thing. So sit tight, don’t worry, stay indoors and try not to breathe. 

Ha-ha! Just kidding! Seriously folks, it’s not so bad!!

Reverend Doktor C. Sarian

Mid Coast Sub Church of Paranoia

Church of the SubGenius

112113