It’s Not So Bad

It’s Not So Bad!

Worst financial disaster ever. Large Wall street firms collapse. Job market tightens. Millions lose homes. Cities close schools, libraries, parks. Necessities prices rise higher. States face bankruptcy. Borrowed trillions gifted to central banks. No investigations or indictments ensue. The economy is recovering. The Dow Jones is up. Executives received record bonuses. Rabid reactionary deregulationists placed in office. Business as usual.

Worst oil spill ever. Millions of barrels spilled. Millions of animals dead. Millions of people affected by health problems and loss of employment. Millions of gallons of dispersant were dumped to remove the oil. Hundreds of millions of dollars were made by BP during the spill. One year later oil continues to flow into the Gulf of Mexico. The ocean is large. The oil has mostly disappeared. Gulf seafood is safe. US government is buying Gulf seafood for troops. You should plan to spend spring break on the beaches of Alabama!

Worst natural disaster ever. Thousands dead, hundreds of thousands homeless. Infrastructure completely decimated, refugees freeze in the dark. Humanitarian relief is organized as funding pours into the coffers of NGOs. UN troops arrive to protect property and provide security. Populist aspirations of local people are subsumed by tragedy. Global corporations rebuild former banana republics in their own image. Cheap exports resume directly.

Worst radiological accident ever. Reactors melting down. Tokyo evacuating. Radiation reaches US. President says no dangerous radiation will even reach Guam. It’s dissipating! And blowing out to sea. Besides, it’s minimal. A Japanese survivor of Hiroshima says This is nothing! Suck it up! They keep telling people the radiation from Fukushima is no worse than a transatlantic flight. But what if they told people a transatlantic flight was no worse than a nuclear meltdown?

Worst massacre ever. Unarmed civilians slaughtered with mechanical precision by brutal mercenaries using sophisticated war machines and weapons of mass destruction. War crimes, crimes against humanity, crimes against the environment. Humanitarian crisis of unprecedented proportions. Fuel prices soar as US backed rebels control supply. G8 nations discuss, disagree, dither, order dinner. US energy supply threatened as counterrevolutionary attacks target installations. Coalition nations quickly step up to bat, deliver fast one-two punch sending evil ex proxy pukes and their subhuman sons and henchmen to a richly deserved fate. Gas price declines 3¢ once democracy is restored in yet another oil rich country.

Longest US war (no one ever says “worst” war - all wars are good wars). Hundreds of thousands of US casualties. Trillions of dollars spent. Insurgency gaining strength. American prestige compromised; enemies galvanized. US abandoning bases. Congresspeople treated with psy-ops to induce funding. No troop pullout in foreseeable future. War aims are being achieved, US corporate interests are being protected. War has been broadened to Africa to save lives.

So you see, all you grinchie grannies out there, all you bummy neg-outs, all you wimpy unamerican punks, all you mealy mouthed complainers, all you liberal do gooders, things aren’t so bad after all. But they could get a whole lot worst if you panic. DON’T PANIC! Everything’s going to be all right! Don’t believe urban myths about how bad the situation is - be positive and good things will come your way! Whatever you do, don’t start running around shouting because then things get broken and that really WOULD be a bad thing. So sit tight, don’t worry, stay indoors and try not to breathe. 

Ha-ha! Just kidding! Seriously folks, it’s not so bad!!

Reverend Doktor C. Sarian

Mid Coast Sub Church of Paranoia

Church of the SubGenius

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